Trying and Failure

I totally need to get out all of my frustration. I feel horrible again! I cannot believe how hard this process is! I don’t think I’ve ever tried so hard and failed so much. As I’ve thought about my life I don’t think I’ve ever really failed at something I was trying to do well in. Sure there were things I wasn’t good at, but I always seemed to do well in those things where I had put forth the effort. This is something I want to do and it’s like I keep trying and trying and I’m getting nowhere. I put forth the effort and I end up back at the beginning. Today seriously felt like I had been chewed up and spit back out. My IRB was “tabled” by the class. For good reasons too! I felt like it should be “tabled” as well. The process we went through was good. Everything they said was helpful and I needed the feedback. I was tabled because I’m not where I need to be with my proposal. I’m still missing a significant amount of research to back me up and I haven’t narrowed things down enough in my methods. There are so many things I haven’t considered and planned out.

I know what direction I am going to go. I get what I’m going to do, but I guess I just feel tired that I keep trying and I’m still not where I want to be. I’m not where I want to be with the product. However, I do realize there are a lot of things I am learning through the process. As much as I seem to feel frustration and hurt right now I am grateful for the process I’m going through. I am truly starting to understand how to research and conduct my study. It was need to talk with Maggie today and understand how to funnel things down in my research as well as what I will be doing in the field. I think I’m starting to understand the process and how to get to the product because I have failed numerous times. When I say, “failed” I mean that I thought I had things figured out and I knew what I was going to do, when I realized I don’t have things figured out and I’m not where I want to be (I hope that makes sense).

I’ve felt like there are two sides to the class. There is the research side where you have to know how to research and prepare your study. Then there’s the other side, which I love, where you learn about observations and how to do research in the field. I want to dive into the side that I love but I can’t until I understand the side of research and how to properly prepare and carry out a study in the field. As much as I don’t seem to like this process of trying and failing through research I see its value and importance.

I’m typing this entry up at the park and I just observed a little boy around 4 yrs old deal with an interesting situation. He was trying to get around some rocks and up a hill to get to his father. He slipped, tried about two more times, lost his balance, and then slipped again. Finally he turned and went around the rock the other direction. A few thoughts came to mind. He tried a few times and failed. I’ve been doing that with my proposal. He had to change the direction he was going, or the method to get to his father. The route I’m going needs to be changed just a bit more and then I’ll get to my objective. Interesting how you can learn so much through observation. The great thing about this situation is that the little boy didn’t get frustrated. He just kept trying. Wow, if only I could be like a child, determined without complaining.

In Mexico I’m going to get frustrated. I’m going to feel like I’m trying and trying and that I keep falling. I will need to remember to keep things in perspective. I’m glad I came to the park. It really helped me calm down. When I’m in Mexico and I’m frustrated I’m going to need to find time to enjoy nature and ponder the situation. Writing these feelings out also helped me greatly. Field study notes and daily journal entries are going to be very helpful to me. Most importantly when I’m in Mexico I’m going to try to remember this little boy. I want to try and try and try again, and I don’t want to complain while doing it. Oh, the adventures to come and the things to be learned! Now this is getting good!