Trying and Failure

I totally need to get out all of my frustration. I feel horrible again! I cannot believe how hard this process is! I don’t think I’ve ever tried so hard and failed so much. As I’ve thought about my life I don’t think I’ve ever really failed at something I was trying to do well in. Sure there were things I wasn’t good at, but I always seemed to do well in those things where I had put forth the effort. This is something I want to do and it’s like I keep trying and trying and I’m getting nowhere. I put forth the effort and I end up back at the beginning. Today seriously felt like I had been chewed up and spit back out. My IRB was “tabled” by the class. For good reasons too! I felt like it should be “tabled” as well. The process we went through was good. Everything they said was helpful and I needed the feedback. I was tabled because I’m not where I need to be with my proposal. I’m still missing a significant amount of research to back me up and I haven’t narrowed things down enough in my methods. There are so many things I haven’t considered and planned out.

I know what direction I am going to go. I get what I’m going to do, but I guess I just feel tired that I keep trying and I’m still not where I want to be. I’m not where I want to be with the product. However, I do realize there are a lot of things I am learning through the process. As much as I seem to feel frustration and hurt right now I am grateful for the process I’m going through. I am truly starting to understand how to research and conduct my study. It was need to talk with Maggie today and understand how to funnel things down in my research as well as what I will be doing in the field. I think I’m starting to understand the process and how to get to the product because I have failed numerous times. When I say, “failed” I mean that I thought I had things figured out and I knew what I was going to do, when I realized I don’t have things figured out and I’m not where I want to be (I hope that makes sense).

I’ve felt like there are two sides to the class. There is the research side where you have to know how to research and prepare your study. Then there’s the other side, which I love, where you learn about observations and how to do research in the field. I want to dive into the side that I love but I can’t until I understand the side of research and how to properly prepare and carry out a study in the field. As much as I don’t seem to like this process of trying and failing through research I see its value and importance.

I’m typing this entry up at the park and I just observed a little boy around 4 yrs old deal with an interesting situation. He was trying to get around some rocks and up a hill to get to his father. He slipped, tried about two more times, lost his balance, and then slipped again. Finally he turned and went around the rock the other direction. A few thoughts came to mind. He tried a few times and failed. I’ve been doing that with my proposal. He had to change the direction he was going, or the method to get to his father. The route I’m going needs to be changed just a bit more and then I’ll get to my objective. Interesting how you can learn so much through observation. The great thing about this situation is that the little boy didn’t get frustrated. He just kept trying. Wow, if only I could be like a child, determined without complaining.

In Mexico I’m going to get frustrated. I’m going to feel like I’m trying and trying and that I keep falling. I will need to remember to keep things in perspective. I’m glad I came to the park. It really helped me calm down. When I’m in Mexico and I’m frustrated I’m going to need to find time to enjoy nature and ponder the situation. Writing these feelings out also helped me greatly. Field study notes and daily journal entries are going to be very helpful to me. Most importantly when I’m in Mexico I’m going to try to remember this little boy. I want to try and try and try again, and I don’t want to complain while doing it. Oh, the adventures to come and the things to be learned! Now this is getting good!

Safetly while in Mexico

I am grateful for the discussion we had in class on safety. I have thought quite a bit about the situation I will be putting myself in by going to Mexico alone. I realize Mexico is not the smartest place to go as an American single female, but for what I hope to accomplish through my field study the location is perfect. I will need to be smart and aware of safety concerns.

They gave us some great information in the packets during class on Wed. which I look forward to reading. It gives some basic outlines of safety for the specific area where I will be going. That will be very helpful. I am also trying to see if they offer the RAD course here at BYU before I leave for Mexico. I’ve taken this course before, but I think it would be good to refresh. It’s not specific to being robbed, kidnapped, etc. but it did teach some basic overall ideas about safety awareness and self defense. I think it would be helpful.

I do not want to go to Mexico paranoid, but I realize I need to be smart at the same time. I am going to try to prepare myself right now by refreshing my self defense skills. It will also be helpful to look into possible situations that might arise when I’m there. I can think through them and have a plan as how to protect myself in these situations. Then when I am in Mexico I will need to rely on those things I have learned and apply them so that I’m smart in different situations that might arise. Having a situation arise isn’t necessarily horrible. It is possible that things might happen.

I want to know what to do if a situation does arises, because one might just arise. If I’m prepared to handle the situation then I can get myself out of it, and things will be okay. However, if I am not prepared and something does arise then it could turn from, “just going through a scary experience” to really being in a dangerous situation or running into a serious problem. The key is preparedness, knowing how to handle what might arise.

Carifying the Meaning

I know that I have addressed this principle before, but I feel it should be addressed again. I'm grateful that we talked once again during last Monday’s class about symbols. There can be more than one meaning to a symbol. I feel this most often happens with words. Many times people have different meanings for words.

Since we have talked about this I have been paying particular attention to the meaning to words. I find myself asking people to clarify their meaning of a word. I’ve started to do this about 2-3 times per day. For example I will generally say something like, “So what is your meaning of….” Or “What does……..mean to you.”

I have found this to be very helpful as we’ve talked. Because I’ve sought clarification of their meaning for that word, or in other words that symbol, I gain more insight into the overall message they are trying to share with me. It has been great.

I expect that I will continue to do this on a daily basis. Understanding the meaning of a symbol gives me great insight into the message they really are trying to convey. It helps things become clear and I can gain understanding into their personal views. Clarifying meaning of words is a great thing to do. I am going to do this in Mexico.

Many things get lost in translation. I may hear them use a certain word and understand it, but I realize I can misinterpret the meaning of that word. When I stop and ask for clarification of the meaning of that word the message will become clearer to me. This will be good to do if I’m trying to understand and see things they way they understand and see things. I will be sure to do this on a daily basis there. I’m glad I’m starting to get into the habit now so that later in the field it will benefit me.

It's about the process NOT the product

I need to write these feelings down for myself so here goes. I am learning and growing through this experience and I need to acknowledge the process I have gone through. I need to come to the realization that learning is about the process not the product.

My whole life I have produced, presented, and performed. I’m sure it started out as a child showing my parents or people around me things I had created. Maybe it went something like “Look mommy at the picture I made.” The response I’m sure was something like, “Good job,” or “Nice picture!” It was never, “Wow, I could see how hard you were trying as you colored not to go out of the lines, you were really concentrated while working. Way to go!” In our society we focus on the outcome. Not the process we went through to get to that outcome.

It was the same during piano recitals, track meets, and with my school work. The focus was always on outcome or product not the process I had gone through to get to that point. This feeling to produce, present, and perform is so deeply ingrained in me that it is hard to change. During this class I have found myself wanting the final product complete and I have found that I have been getting frustrated because I’m not there.

Not until Friday when I was talking with Dave, my professor, after class did I realize how glorious this process is that I have gone through and am still going through. I’ve been feeling disappointed and discouraged because I don’t have my end product. In reality though I should be looking at the process I’m going through and rejoice because I am learning so much. I should be proud of myself for the hard work I’m putting in and the discoveries I’m making.

In truth I feel like this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done before. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this overwhelmed. I cried consecutively four days in a row last week. Maybe it’s due to lack of sleep, but I think it is because I see what I want to do and become through this process and that feat sometimes seems too great to reach. Deep down I’ve had to search my soul, acknowledge my fear, and continue to tell myself I will not stop trying. I can, and will accomplish this. I’ve searched, studied and written my proposal. Searched again, changed my direction, and then written from another angel. Now I have gained insight and want to change the direction yet again.

I feel like I’m working my hardest and getting nowhere. What I want to accomplish in the time we have remaining for class terrifies me. I feel emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. This classroom workload is intense for the amount of time we have. I’m driving my learning and that is probably why I am so invested. I don’t want some half hearted project, or “just okay” outcome. I really want to learn, grow, and change who I am as I go through this process. Maybe that is why this seems harder to accomplish then things I’ve done in the past.

I want this so badly. I have sacrificed and worked so hard. I know this experience is one the Lord wants me to go through right now to help me become who he needs me to be. I realize now that I should not stress so much about the outcome. This is undergraduate work and I have little experience in research and data collection. It is likely that what I do will probably not be very effective or significant to humanity. However, going to Mexico will be effective and significant to me. I can go there and come back without the outcome from my field studies proposal being a success. Meeting that proposal that isn’t necessarily the important part but rather the important part is who I will have become as I tried to meet that proposal through my sincere efforts.

The process is what really matters and I’m excited to go through it. I acknowledge that while I am in Mexico the process will be hard. I am going to choose not to become frustrated as I keep trying to reach my objective. Instead of becoming frustrated as I try to reach my objective I’m going to rejoice in the process I am going through to get there.

Body Language- What are we really trying to say?

So much of what we say to someone comes through what we do with our body. I've really been trying to pay attention to what I'm doing when I'm with people to help me more fully see what I'm trying to tell them.

These things can be very simple. For example, I went running with my friend. As we were jogging he was talking. I didn't want to be rude and interrupt him, but at times we would come to a crossroads and we would need to choose the direction we wanted in which to continue running. I found myself simply gesturing with my hand the direction I wanted to go. Then I would start running in that directions and he would start running in that direction to. This allowed me to not interrupt him, but still communicate the message I wanted. I have never realized that I gesture with my hands when I run. I've probably done this same things so many times before, but I've never paid attention to it. It's something so simple and little, but it really conveys the meaning, and without a word being said. How fascinating?!

As well what we unconsciously do with our body can be portray something opposite to what we really are trying to portray. I realized this as I was making dinner last night. My roommates and I cook a few nights out of the week for one another. Last night, it was my night to cook. I was running behind. My roommate had a commitment, somewhere she needed to be and I was desperately trying to get dinner on the table on time. I had a pretty full day and was a little frazzle. As I was preparing dinner I told my roommate some of my frustrations. She was really sweet and came over to give me a hug, it was a very kind gesture to make. I however, was so focused on hurrying to clean the strawberries that when she hugged me my body was still toward the sink. That in a sense forced her to give me a side hug. She was trying her best to show support. Thankfully I was paying attention to my body language. After she hugged me I realized how I had unintentionally shown through my body that what I was doing at the time was more important than her hug. My body was turned to the sink, not her. I was still paying more attention to getting dinner on the table then her.

I thought to myself, "This is opposite of what I want to do. Here she is trying to be a supportive friend and by not turning my body toward her when she hugged me I am showing that what she's doing to help and comfort me doesn't really matter as much to me as does cutting the strawberries." So...I put the knife down, shut off the water, turned my body toward her and in a more or less dramatic and comic way said, "I need a real hug." She laughed and then we fully embraced. It was a sweet and tender moment. I was so grateful that I realized what I was doing with my body at this moment in time! Being aware of my body allowed me to more fully portray the real message I wanted to portray. That message being, that I loved her and appreciated her support. I believe that had I not shown with my body, as well as my words, what I was feeling the message could have been misinterpreted. Body language, if paid attention to, can help get the true meaning across more completely and fully. How neat!

Greetings

Have you ever tried to greet someone with a handshake and they go for a hug? Maybe you are the one getting ready to greet them with a hug and the other person goes for a handshake? In different cultures there are many different ways to greet a person. As well, due to the situation or person, the greeting can change. It was interesting to complete the worksheet about the greetings used in the country I will be going to. As I talked with some friends from Mexico to find out the different greetings of various situations I noticed that there was not one specific set way to greet a person in each of these different situations. They both told that the greeting could vary. The way to greet in each particular situation just depends on a few things. Some things that determined this were, how touchy the person was, how well they knew them, what their socioeconomic status was, and as well what their body language was showing the other person at that moment in time. These things would determine what greeting they would use in each of the different situation.

I am in a new ward here on campus and it has been interesting to see how I greet my new ward members, both the boys and girls. I find myself more willing to hug the girls when I meet them (even if it is for the first time), but I'm also noticing that some of the boys are greeting me with a hug. Thankfully their body language usually leads me to understand as we greet that a hug is coming, not a handshake. Isn't it interesting how depending on the person, the body language, and the situation or moment in time that these greetings can change? I believe there are guidelines in greetings that help us to more or less know what to do, but it is not until we find ourselves in the situation that we know which way we should greet a person. So more or less there are guidelines, but variations within those guidelines. It depends on the factors that were mentioned earlier.

Greetings are not always going to be done perfectly. I can learn the overall idea of what is expected, but what I do in that situation really just depends on multiple varying factors. Monday night I had just gotten home from an evening run and I was out on the lawn talking with my roommates. Two of their friends, whom I previously had met on Sunday showed up. Both of these girls are from Brazil. When I met them on Sunday I greeted them with a hug. As we were approaching the moment of greeting I found myself unsure of what to do. Both of my roommates were hugging them, but I was all sweaty and gross from my run, so I didn't want to hug them. I preferred to spare them the joys of smelling me. I also felt self-conscious that if I were to hug them in my present state I would feel gross. I was sweaty and stinky and they would see me as sweaty and stinky if I hugged them. Silly, but truthfully it is how I felt at that moment in time.

I could tell through their body language that they were expecting a hug so I tried to politely tell them that I had been running and that I was all sweaty and stinky. We didn't hug but rather acknowledged one another by standing near each other as we began talking. It was a little uncomfortable and I did feel that by not giving them a hug I was not helping to build up rapport with them. However, at that time it was what I felt was best in that situation. I am going to encounter many different greetings with multiple people as I go live in Mexico. There will be guidelines to help me, but each situation will change due to varying factors. Sometimes I will get the greeting right and at other times I might not get the greeting right. I believe that even if the greeting isn't done just as might be expected that is okay. It's a learning experience, not the end of the world.

Observations and Conclusions

When observations are made and analyzed with correct knowledge conclusions can be pretty accurate. The other day I was coming home with my roommate. As we were driving up to the house we saw our other roommate getting into her car to drive off. Later that night, to the same roommate who had been with me earlier, I said something about how the other roommate was at work. She asked more or less, "How did you know that?" I then went on to explain that as we drove up to the house and saw our friend get into the car I had seen her lunch box. She had taken it with her the other night when she had to go to work. She works the night shift. So with the information I had gathered (such as the time being late and her carrying her lunchbox) I had concluded that she was at work. My friend agreed and we found out the next day that my conclusion was correct.

I have been thinking quite a bit about this experience. In Mexico I will be studying how people view children with special needs. I have been worrying a little about the fact that this is such tender subject, especially in a culture where having a child with a disability can be looked upon as the parents fault. Some people in this area believe that if your child who has a disability it is because you or your husband have sinned. That is a generalization, but some of my friends and coworkers from Mexico have shared this with me and I do feel that this will play into their cultural views. As I have learned these things I have really been wondering, "How am I going to talk to people about these things when it is looked upon in their community as a bad thing?" In order to do interviews with parents who have a child with special needs I probably will to have build good rapport, which could take a while to do. Thus, the numbers of parents interviewed will be limited. I have been thinking that I will need to do quite a bit of my research through observation.

Through observations I felt that my personal views and understanding could really affect the validity of the information gathered. However, I am realizing that this might not necessarily be the case. Such was the situation with my roommate. I concluded that she was working because of correct facts that I had gathered. Observation can be a good way to gather information. I will just need to be sure that the facts I pull from or accurate and complete to get me to the correct conclusion.

Clearing the Dinner Table

Friday's class impacted me. How I do things is beginning to change. I came to this realization when I cleared the dinner table. I've cleared the dinner table thousands of times before but Friday was different. For the first time I cleared the table and asked the question in my head. "Why do I clear the plates before the glasses of water?" Maybe I clear the plates first hoping that I can scrub away the food before it dries. Or is it because I hope for something more after dinner...a dessert to follow. Perhaps it's because I would like to return to the table after clearing the plates to sit and visit with dear loved ones as we continue our conversations and finish drinking the rest of our water. I'm beginning to ask myself questions. "Why do I do the things I do, the way I do them?" For once in my life I'm starting to actively think and ponder about my own life and culture. This is happening because I'm starting to ask questions. In class we discussed the importance of questioning. Through questioning I can come to eternal truths. That is why it is so important to learn and apply this principle of questioning in my life. Without the right questions I will never arrive at real truths. Until I ask the right question learning will not take place. The right question will help me to apply what I'm learning. In my prayers I have learned that what I ask determines the answers I receive. If I'm still waiting for an answer I wonder at times, "Have I asked the right question to receive the Lords answer?" In the mission I learned that asking the right question would help the investigators we were teaching come to and understanding of correct truth or gospel principles. If I didn't ask the right question they didn't seem to learn and apply what we were teaching them. There is much power in the process of questioning. I'm excited that I'm starting to think and question. I fear we do not live in a culture that values questioning. Up until this class I'm not sure I fully valued the power of questioning and the how I can come to eternal truths through questioning. In truth I do not feel that I do this yet...but rather that I'm starting this journey where I will one day get to a point where I truly do value questioning. What stifles a question? What facilitates a question? In class we learned that, "A real learner is a vessel and all people are teachers." I believe that this process of question will help me learn from all those people around me who are teachers. In my class notes I wrote, "This course is going to change and challenge how I learn and then what I do with that knowledge (it has to be applied)." I'm grateful for the things I have already started to learn and the things I know I will be learning in the future. What an adventure this is going to be!