Trying and Failure

I totally need to get out all of my frustration. I feel horrible again! I cannot believe how hard this process is! I don’t think I’ve ever tried so hard and failed so much. As I’ve thought about my life I don’t think I’ve ever really failed at something I was trying to do well in. Sure there were things I wasn’t good at, but I always seemed to do well in those things where I had put forth the effort. This is something I want to do and it’s like I keep trying and trying and I’m getting nowhere. I put forth the effort and I end up back at the beginning. Today seriously felt like I had been chewed up and spit back out. My IRB was “tabled” by the class. For good reasons too! I felt like it should be “tabled” as well. The process we went through was good. Everything they said was helpful and I needed the feedback. I was tabled because I’m not where I need to be with my proposal. I’m still missing a significant amount of research to back me up and I haven’t narrowed things down enough in my methods. There are so many things I haven’t considered and planned out.

I know what direction I am going to go. I get what I’m going to do, but I guess I just feel tired that I keep trying and I’m still not where I want to be. I’m not where I want to be with the product. However, I do realize there are a lot of things I am learning through the process. As much as I seem to feel frustration and hurt right now I am grateful for the process I’m going through. I am truly starting to understand how to research and conduct my study. It was need to talk with Maggie today and understand how to funnel things down in my research as well as what I will be doing in the field. I think I’m starting to understand the process and how to get to the product because I have failed numerous times. When I say, “failed” I mean that I thought I had things figured out and I knew what I was going to do, when I realized I don’t have things figured out and I’m not where I want to be (I hope that makes sense).

I’ve felt like there are two sides to the class. There is the research side where you have to know how to research and prepare your study. Then there’s the other side, which I love, where you learn about observations and how to do research in the field. I want to dive into the side that I love but I can’t until I understand the side of research and how to properly prepare and carry out a study in the field. As much as I don’t seem to like this process of trying and failing through research I see its value and importance.

I’m typing this entry up at the park and I just observed a little boy around 4 yrs old deal with an interesting situation. He was trying to get around some rocks and up a hill to get to his father. He slipped, tried about two more times, lost his balance, and then slipped again. Finally he turned and went around the rock the other direction. A few thoughts came to mind. He tried a few times and failed. I’ve been doing that with my proposal. He had to change the direction he was going, or the method to get to his father. The route I’m going needs to be changed just a bit more and then I’ll get to my objective. Interesting how you can learn so much through observation. The great thing about this situation is that the little boy didn’t get frustrated. He just kept trying. Wow, if only I could be like a child, determined without complaining.

In Mexico I’m going to get frustrated. I’m going to feel like I’m trying and trying and that I keep falling. I will need to remember to keep things in perspective. I’m glad I came to the park. It really helped me calm down. When I’m in Mexico and I’m frustrated I’m going to need to find time to enjoy nature and ponder the situation. Writing these feelings out also helped me greatly. Field study notes and daily journal entries are going to be very helpful to me. Most importantly when I’m in Mexico I’m going to try to remember this little boy. I want to try and try and try again, and I don’t want to complain while doing it. Oh, the adventures to come and the things to be learned! Now this is getting good!

It's about the process NOT the product

I need to write these feelings down for myself so here goes. I am learning and growing through this experience and I need to acknowledge the process I have gone through. I need to come to the realization that learning is about the process not the product.

My whole life I have produced, presented, and performed. I’m sure it started out as a child showing my parents or people around me things I had created. Maybe it went something like “Look mommy at the picture I made.” The response I’m sure was something like, “Good job,” or “Nice picture!” It was never, “Wow, I could see how hard you were trying as you colored not to go out of the lines, you were really concentrated while working. Way to go!” In our society we focus on the outcome. Not the process we went through to get to that outcome.

It was the same during piano recitals, track meets, and with my school work. The focus was always on outcome or product not the process I had gone through to get to that point. This feeling to produce, present, and perform is so deeply ingrained in me that it is hard to change. During this class I have found myself wanting the final product complete and I have found that I have been getting frustrated because I’m not there.

Not until Friday when I was talking with Dave, my professor, after class did I realize how glorious this process is that I have gone through and am still going through. I’ve been feeling disappointed and discouraged because I don’t have my end product. In reality though I should be looking at the process I’m going through and rejoice because I am learning so much. I should be proud of myself for the hard work I’m putting in and the discoveries I’m making.

In truth I feel like this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done before. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this overwhelmed. I cried consecutively four days in a row last week. Maybe it’s due to lack of sleep, but I think it is because I see what I want to do and become through this process and that feat sometimes seems too great to reach. Deep down I’ve had to search my soul, acknowledge my fear, and continue to tell myself I will not stop trying. I can, and will accomplish this. I’ve searched, studied and written my proposal. Searched again, changed my direction, and then written from another angel. Now I have gained insight and want to change the direction yet again.

I feel like I’m working my hardest and getting nowhere. What I want to accomplish in the time we have remaining for class terrifies me. I feel emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. This classroom workload is intense for the amount of time we have. I’m driving my learning and that is probably why I am so invested. I don’t want some half hearted project, or “just okay” outcome. I really want to learn, grow, and change who I am as I go through this process. Maybe that is why this seems harder to accomplish then things I’ve done in the past.

I want this so badly. I have sacrificed and worked so hard. I know this experience is one the Lord wants me to go through right now to help me become who he needs me to be. I realize now that I should not stress so much about the outcome. This is undergraduate work and I have little experience in research and data collection. It is likely that what I do will probably not be very effective or significant to humanity. However, going to Mexico will be effective and significant to me. I can go there and come back without the outcome from my field studies proposal being a success. Meeting that proposal that isn’t necessarily the important part but rather the important part is who I will have become as I tried to meet that proposal through my sincere efforts.

The process is what really matters and I’m excited to go through it. I acknowledge that while I am in Mexico the process will be hard. I am going to choose not to become frustrated as I keep trying to reach my objective. Instead of becoming frustrated as I try to reach my objective I’m going to rejoice in the process I am going through to get there.

Dealing with Culture Shock

I found that I enjoyed reading the article, "Coping with Culture Shock." It is okay to experience culture shock. The anxiety that comes when trying to operate in a different environment is normal. As I read I was able to identify different symptoms I had experienced when in the Dominican Republic and China.

I believe that when I was in the Dominican Republic I felt myself stereotyping. I would make comparisons between our culture and theirs from time to time. There I also experienced a need for exaggerated cleanliness. When in China I actually became physically sick when I wasn’t able to sleep. The beds were really hard and for about a period of about a month I went through this phase where I wasn’t sleeping well. The lack of sleep finally caught up to me. I became physically ill and had to see the doctor. Now that I look back I think the lack of sleep was more to a mentality I created in my brain than the hardness of the bed.

I found that I even experienced culture shock when I come back into the country. Both times I when I returned back into the country I found myself experiences symptoms of culture shock. One symptom was this feeling of great guilt as I returned to live where I had so many material things. The other main symptom I felt was and alienation from those around me who were unaware, and unappreciative. I really struggled to connect with them.

Now that I have read the article and thought about it I’ve noticed these symptoms, both when I was going into a culture outside of my country and then again when I entered back into my countries culture. I think it is fair to say I will be experiencing possible symptoms of culture shock again. This time when I am in Mexico and then again when I return back to the states after being in Mexico.

I am grateful for this new insight into the symptoms on experiences when dealing with culture shock. I’m more aware of these so now when I experience them I will be able to more completely acknowledge and work through them. When I’m in Mexico I’m going to make it a point to review this article. I will probably just skim it, but I would like to do that on a weekly basis. I won’t have any other students with me and I will need to make sure I am keeping tabs on myself so that these symptoms can be worked through rather than letting them get increasingly more severe. If they get too out of control they would impact my experience and research while in Mexico.

The article has some great suggestions on how to reduce culture shock. I will try to implement some of these while I am there. For example, I will be sure to use physical exercise as a means to reducing stress. I will also spend time meditating on a weekly basis. I know these things help me reduce stress in regular day to day living. They will surly help me to reduce the negative effects of culture shock when I’m in Mexico. I’m taking my yoga cards!

I will also be writing a list of ideas of what I would like to do when I get back. This will help me to readjust to my own culture when I return from Mexico. In addition I will monitor myself by continuing to review this article. I do this for about a month following my return. This will again help me to acknowledge my symptoms and work through them in a proper manner.

Culture shock is very interesting to experience. It is not bad. It’s okay to experience these feelings. As the article says, “Give yourself permission to feel frustration, homesickness, or irritability. Eventually, you will work through these symptoms and emerge with a much richer appreciation of the host culture.” That is what I’m going to try to do!

Durty Hands

I found myself in class on Friday struggling to participate in the activity of breaking apart my purpose statement. Ashley was writing on the board a mile a minute trying break down her statement. I just sat there not wanting to break mine apart because I didn't know where to begin. I had too many ideas floating around. I thought about some of the children that I work with that have sensory needs. Some of them seek sensory input, for example they run in circles and jump up and down so they feel where they are in space. Then there are other kids who try to avoid sensory input all together, covering their ears when they hear loud noises or trying not to get anything onto, and everything off of, their hands because they can't stand the feeling. In class as I was doing this activity I felt as if I was a child with sensory needs. I had a huge mess that I was supposed to touch with my hands, but I didn't want to. I was afraid to. I felt like there was a mass of information in front of me and I did not want to stick my hands into the craziness to get dirty. As class continued and we talked about this massive amount of information that I will be organizing I realized that this is something I am going to have to face. That is how you go about an inquiry. You have to sift through all of this information in order to drive what you are trying to find the answers to. I am going to have to get messy!!! What a concept! In order to help the kids who are struggling with sensory needs who do not want to touch things with their hands we try to help them by exposing them to the opportunities to get their hands dirty. I am going to have to let myself get dirty. I have a lot of information coming at me from many directions and I am going to have to learn how to touch it and organize it. The only way to do this is by going in there and exposing myself to the mess. I have to start touching it. I want to learn how to do this. Organizing and gathering relevant information will assist me in the field. My inquiry could take on a new direction because of the situations I find myself in there. If I have not gathered and organized the information well here then when I get there I will be unsure of what to do for my project. I will be there with no direction and months to pass until I head home. That would not be good! Here is the current condition of my "Purpose Statement."

My purpose for doing this research is to learn and better acknowledge how those from Mexico understand and feel about a child with special needs. What superstitions do they have? What is their current understanding of the capability of a child with special needs? Do they feel they can progress? As well I would like to understand what origin this understanding and feelings come from. This understanding will hopefully help me as I work with families here from Mexico who have a child with special needs or disability.

Here is my beginning. I have a feeling this is going to change, and change again, and again, and again as I get my hands dirty and sort through information to decide what direction my inquiry needs to take at that moment in time.