It's about the process NOT the product

I need to write these feelings down for myself so here goes. I am learning and growing through this experience and I need to acknowledge the process I have gone through. I need to come to the realization that learning is about the process not the product.

My whole life I have produced, presented, and performed. I’m sure it started out as a child showing my parents or people around me things I had created. Maybe it went something like “Look mommy at the picture I made.” The response I’m sure was something like, “Good job,” or “Nice picture!” It was never, “Wow, I could see how hard you were trying as you colored not to go out of the lines, you were really concentrated while working. Way to go!” In our society we focus on the outcome. Not the process we went through to get to that outcome.

It was the same during piano recitals, track meets, and with my school work. The focus was always on outcome or product not the process I had gone through to get to that point. This feeling to produce, present, and perform is so deeply ingrained in me that it is hard to change. During this class I have found myself wanting the final product complete and I have found that I have been getting frustrated because I’m not there.

Not until Friday when I was talking with Dave, my professor, after class did I realize how glorious this process is that I have gone through and am still going through. I’ve been feeling disappointed and discouraged because I don’t have my end product. In reality though I should be looking at the process I’m going through and rejoice because I am learning so much. I should be proud of myself for the hard work I’m putting in and the discoveries I’m making.

In truth I feel like this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done before. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this overwhelmed. I cried consecutively four days in a row last week. Maybe it’s due to lack of sleep, but I think it is because I see what I want to do and become through this process and that feat sometimes seems too great to reach. Deep down I’ve had to search my soul, acknowledge my fear, and continue to tell myself I will not stop trying. I can, and will accomplish this. I’ve searched, studied and written my proposal. Searched again, changed my direction, and then written from another angel. Now I have gained insight and want to change the direction yet again.

I feel like I’m working my hardest and getting nowhere. What I want to accomplish in the time we have remaining for class terrifies me. I feel emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. This classroom workload is intense for the amount of time we have. I’m driving my learning and that is probably why I am so invested. I don’t want some half hearted project, or “just okay” outcome. I really want to learn, grow, and change who I am as I go through this process. Maybe that is why this seems harder to accomplish then things I’ve done in the past.

I want this so badly. I have sacrificed and worked so hard. I know this experience is one the Lord wants me to go through right now to help me become who he needs me to be. I realize now that I should not stress so much about the outcome. This is undergraduate work and I have little experience in research and data collection. It is likely that what I do will probably not be very effective or significant to humanity. However, going to Mexico will be effective and significant to me. I can go there and come back without the outcome from my field studies proposal being a success. Meeting that proposal that isn’t necessarily the important part but rather the important part is who I will have become as I tried to meet that proposal through my sincere efforts.

The process is what really matters and I’m excited to go through it. I acknowledge that while I am in Mexico the process will be hard. I am going to choose not to become frustrated as I keep trying to reach my objective. Instead of becoming frustrated as I try to reach my objective I’m going to rejoice in the process I am going through to get there.