Not wearing my seatbelt?

I am learning more and more as I think about rules that each community has. Actions of a person can be determined by the rules of the community they are in. What we do, or do not do can be shaped by these community rules. Even how we feel when we do these actions can be determined by our cultural views.

While camping this last week I had sort of an “aha!” moment. If you read my previous post you would know there seemed to be a bit of drama from my last camping trip. So while I was in the middle of the drama I tried to help the situation. The effects of my efforts might have been little, but I was trying. Since people had different views of what to do or not do during camping I could see some separation taking place between group members. One boy in particular was having a harder time getting along with the others. I found myself trying to help him and the situation.

We were going to Arches Nataional Park. There were six of us and only five seats in the car. So what did we do? Yeah, we tried to hide the sixth person in the back of the car. It was a sort of a jeep so they were in the car with us, but in the back part without a seatbelt on. I am all about wearing seatbelts, but it did seem silly to split us into two cars, pay extra, and not be as one whole group, so I went along with it. I was not the one in the back, the boy who was having a harder time getting along with the others volunteered. We hide him with jackets, book bags, camel backs, etc. We got through the entrance without being stopped by the rangers.

Well as time went on and we drove through the park I notice that this boy was not really part of the conversation, mainly because of where he was geographically in comparison to us. We all had our backs to him and since he was not getting along with everyone else as much I felt like he was really being cut off from the group. We ended up hiking and then when it was time to get back into the car I found myself volunteering to be the one in the back. I never do that! This is coming from the girl who wrote her senior paper in US Government on seatbelts. My objective for that paper was to try to get a harder law passed in Idaho to make people wear their seatbelts. I guess I wanted this other guy to feel part of the group so I volunteered to hop in back. I knew I could still keep part in the conversation even if I was in back because I would extend that effort.

There I was sitting in the back of the vehicle without a seatbelt (mom I hope you are not reading this). I was a little surprised at myself for volunteering to do that. I paid attention to my feelings and realized that I felt bad because I didn’t have my seatbelt on. Then it hit me. Because of the action I had taken and the community I was in I felt bad.

When I lived in the Dominican Republic I went everywhere in cars without a seatbelt. They didn’t have them and I didn't feel that bad not wearing one. Often times on the public bus system because it was so crowded I would find myself holding onto something almost half out of the bus as it speed down the street.

I was doing the same action, not wearing a seatbelt, which I had done so many times before in the Dominican Republic not feeling bad about doing it. However, at that moment in time I felt bad not wearing my seatbelt. I realized I felt that way because of the community I was in and the rules I was braking. The action was the same in both places, but my feeling were different due to the rules of the community I was in. How interesting!

I realize that in Mexico I will be doing different actions. Actions that in my community I might feel bad doing, like not wearing a seatbelt. However, in their community and with their rules maybe those actions I will be doing, or not doing, will be okay. I should not let myself feel bad in these situations. I will want to be sure not to make myself feel bad by placing my community rules to their community setting.

Participant Fear

As a participant in a new situation it can be scary to make a decision and act. It's okay to acknowledge that fear, but it should not stop me from acting. Yesterday I had the opportunity to participate in a new situation. I went to a Brazilian family’s home to join them for Sunday services. Most everything was new and as a participant in this situation at times I was unaware of what was expected or appropriate. I was afraid to do something incorrect, but I realized as a new participant, even when I did not understand everything, I needed to decide what to do and make a decision to the best of my abilities.

I didn’t know all of the expectations, so I had to make a decision based off of the knowledge I had. I was unfortunately running late. I had left a family gathering at my sister’s home like an hour away. I planned to get to the service on time when it started at 8pm, but due to rain I had to slow down when I was driving and my arrival time was later than I had hoped. I was around 10 min. late. When I got to the door I stood there for a second. I heard singing coming from inside. It was clear they were in middle of their worship service. I was afraid to knock on the door to interrupt what was going on. As well I remembered that last time when I had come with my friend to meet them she had knocked on the door and the mother of the family told her she didn’t need to knock as we were lead into their home. I was thinking, “Is it okay for me to just walk into their home?” I had only met the family briefly the previous time before when I had came to their home. It was okay for my friend to walk in, but I was not as acquainted with them. Would it be appropriate for me to walk in not having established a good relationship with the family yet? Would it be offensive? I did feel like it would also be inappropriate to knock on the door in the middle of the service and interrupt them. I was a guest, a late one at that. How would they feel about me knocking to interrupt them? There I was standing at the door unsure or how to act, not knowing what would be appropriate in this situation. “Do I go in?” or “Do I knock?” I decided to just do it. I lightly tapped twice and quickly pushed the door open. I let myself in and found my way to the couch. I smiled at the mom who was playing the guitar. I saw my friend and quickly sat down next to her and began singing songs. I jumped it to do what they were doing, singing words to songs I had never sung before.

After the service they invited us to join them for dinner. I was again unsure of what to do. My friend was talking to the father in the living room while the mother and children were in the kitchen getting dinner on the table. I wanted to go help in the kitchen, because in a new home I always feel more at ease if I’m helping do something in the kitchen. Yet, my friend was still sitting talking intently to the father, the one who had addressed us during the service. Was I supposed to stay and visit? Is it a guest place to help out? Would I offend the father if I didn’t stay and visit with him? I wanted to help out, but I wasn’t sure what I should do. I waited, trying to feel out what to do. A few minutes later my friend said, “I should help in the kitchen.” That was my cue that it was okay to get up and help. I said something like, “Me too!” and jumped up to help out. I suddenly felt more comfortable and at ease.

As I was helping the mother asked me to put ice in this bowl. I figured it was to go onto the table, but in my family we always would put the ice directly into the cups. This bowl looked nice so I assumed that instead of carrying the bowl to the table to feel the glasses with ice I was supposed to just put the bowl on the table. But what do they use to get the ice out? Again more questions. The bowl is supposed to go on the table right? Do they need something to get the ice out? I was unsure of what to do. We have been learning in class that in these new situations we can’t be afraid to act. I was a little afraid but I realized I should act so I did. I found a spoon and put it in the bowl. As I was ready to walk to the table with the ice Sam, their son, stopped me. Apparently they have tongs they use to get the ice out. He mentioned where I could find them. I got them and replace the spoon with the tongs.

How neat it was to have made decisions to act. At points during the night I felt this almost nervous feeling because I did not know what to do. I realized though that I had to act. I had to decide when I arrived to enter without really knocking and waiting to come in. I had to decide to help or not help in the kitchen. I had to decide to get a spoon and put it in the bowl. Each of these decisions was made through observation and analysis. Sometimes the conclusions were correct and sometimes they weren’t. It was good though. It is not horrible to make an incorrect judgment. People will understand. And just like Sam informed me to use tongs instead of a spoon, I feel like there will be many people around me in these situations that will be trying to help me understand what it is that I’m supposed to do. I should not be afraid to make a judgment call and act.

Community Rules - Continued

From my previous post "Community Rules" Maggie asked me the question. "How will you find out what those rules are?" I talked a bit about this in my comment following Sarah's question on the post. However, I had another experience that has helped me understand a few new things.

I believe that rules of society can be learned in many ways, two of which I believe are observation and direct instruction. This last Friday I sang in the tabernacle with the women’s choir I belong to. We wore a lei as part of our outfit. I do not usually wear leis. I thought that the lei looked best pulled down long in the front, but as I looked around at all of the women from the choir many of them had the lei pulled out wider on the shoulders so it did not hang as low in the front. I was wondering if I should switch how I was wearing mine, but I rather liked how it looked the way I had it, so I kept it that way. Before we went up to sing our director gave us a few instructions. One of which was how we were suppose to wear our leis. Apparently wearing the lei so it spreads out more across the shoulders rather than hangs long in the front is the proper way to wear a lei. I had no idea! I had observed how many of the women were wearing their leis, but I did not know that was the correct way until our director told me. I have reflected for some time since the concert. There were rules of society, for example how a lei should be worn, that I was unaware of. I almost discovered this rule through observation, but it wasn't until I received direct instruction that I fully understood the rule and why it was that way.

In each community there are different rules. I know there will be many things about the culture in Mexico that I will not understand. I can learn some of these things through observation. At times as well, I hope that I will learn some of these things through direct instruction. It is likely that those around me, whom I will have become friends with, will help me know these rules by simple telling them to me. Through these means I can learn the rules and then choose to live them so that I am part of the community. Then I too can join in with the rest so as to not be the only woman in the whole choir who is not wearing my lei properly.

Community Rules

In each community or society there are simple rules that need to be observed and followed to help that society function. This last Sat. I found myself a little frustrated because people were not following simple rules. I was riding my bike on a trail heading up Provo Canyon. My frustration was due to the fact that people, in particular young teenagers walking in groups, up the trail were not staying on their designated side of the path. You see the path is divided into three sections. One for bikers heading North, one for bikers heading South, and one section is for those people who are walking. There is logic behind all of this. As one on a bike it is very difficult to ride quickly if there is a person in front of you. There are also bikes coming toward you from the opposite direction and if you are not in your space, and them in theirs, it is possible to collide with them. Sat. I found myself frustrated because some of the youth would walk outside the designated areas in my biking lane. Due to the fact that I was trying to bike fast it was frustrating when there was someone in my lane. I would have to yell, "Biker on your left." They would then move, well usually they would move. Some were not paying attention and almost did not move in time. I almost hit them or on occasion I would almost hit a biker who was coming the opposite direction of me, all because the person walking was not walking in their designated area. I thought about this as I rode. It's not like the rules were that hard to follow. They even had pictures painted on the path with figures and arrows telling you which lanes to proceed forth in. It hit me that there are rules for safety reasons in each society. Some of these rules might not be clearly understood to those in that society as well as those not from that society. I wondered if there would be rules that I might not understand or know of when I’m in Mexico that I should follow. Rules that will help protect me. They could be simple rules like what to do in which lane to help protect me as I travel somewhere. To those around me in that culture/society I might appear foolish because I am not following those rules. Maybe like those teenagers I will be clueless as to what those rules are. I hope not. I hope to see these rules and follow them. Not just for my safety but also for the safety of those around me. I would like to pay attention to this in Mexico. What are the written and unwritten rules that I will need to follow when I'm there?